What a (mid-season) finale! Great television, for sure, even though I was a teary-eyed disaster.
We start with Guvs kidnapping my beloved Hershel and my beloved Michonne. Alright, dude. You can go ahead and die now. I softened to him ever so slightly two episodes ago, hated him after he Fish Tank 2.0'd Pretty Pete, and now I want to jump through my TV screen, rip his eye patch off, and stick my finger into his wretched eye socket and then wiggle it around until it reaches his brain. Then free my Hershel and Michonne and let Michonne katana his ass. Something tells me I'm not going to get any of the things I want.
Back at his camp, Guvs is speechifying to his sheep, convincing them to attack a prison with innocent people because wah, wah, Michonne poked his eye out (he conveniently leaves out why and with what) and wah, wah, they're not safe here so the only other place they can go is the prison that his enemies occupy. Really? There are no other prisons in Georgia? Maybe ones that DON'T have people in them who hold a grudge against you?
And, really? These morons don't think for a second that it's weird that Martinez dies, Pete dies, and then Patchy tries to send them on a war? These people have less brainpower than zombies.
Rick finally has a chance to tell Daryl about banishing Carol and Daryl has an appropriate reaction. He has a hard time believing Carol would do that but he trusts Rick. Moving on.
They go to tell Tyrese but Tyrese has stumbled on a weird-looking science project that's either a rat or a frog (does it matter?) that's been brutally dissected and psycho-fied. So either someone's doing research or being weird or both.
Guvs and his peeps sneak up on the prison with their army tank and six vehicles and arrange in a perfect formation before anyone (including the zombies) notices. How considerate of everyone! Could you imagine how embarrassing it would be if someone saw them before they got into formation? "Hold on, Rick! I'll be much more threatening in two seconds. Places, everybody!"
They fire at Glenn and Maggie's love nest, blowing it to bits. Thankfully the world's most boring couple wasn't in there at the time. They've been boring lately but I still love them.
I guess we won't find out about the science project in this episode because the tower bombing interrupts their discovery. Fingers crossed we find out eventually!
You may wonder why I'm going on and on about such little details. Part of it is because I'm just a really thorough recapper. But the bigger part is that I'm stalling because I don't really want to write about what happened next. But, alas, it's part of the job.
Ranger Rick goes out to talk Guvs down off the ledge (or tank, as it were). He is reasonable and offers peace, saying they can all live together in the prison and no one, including the innocent children and sick people from Guvs' former town who are inside the prison, has to die. We all know Guvs is beyond reason at this point but we're hoping at least one of his people will have some common sense and snipe him and end this thing. No such luck.
Guvs hops down and stands in front of Hershel with Michonne's katana and I start crying. Rick keeps on talking and even though we know they could never live together in peace, he's doing a great job buying time. C'mon people! Can't just ONE of you see that Guvs=bad and Rick=at least better than Guvs based on what you've seen thus far?
Then I relax for a second because Guvs pulls the katana away from Hershel's neck. But then I scream to my husband (who was watching something else with his headphones on and was like WTF?) "No, no, no, no..." and before I get to my 5th no, that horrible despicable excuse for a human being slices Hershel's neck.
Now I'm full on crying (I can't even blame the pregnancy hormones this time - I was honestly, truly gutted by this) and I could hardly watch the next sequence of events. TV-wise, it was good. Vicki's heart-wise, it was horrible.
Hershel didn't die right away, which only gave me the naive hope that he would live. But Patchy chased him then hacked away at him with Michonne's katana in a brutal, brutal scene. I couldn't watch the actual hacking (I covered the screen with my hand) but I did enjoy one aspect of it. For as badass as Guvs thinks he is, he really isn't. He's just a loser with some really bad hobbies (killing people) but he's not even slick about it. I found the scene realistic and humiliating for him, which got me through the horror of it. We didn't see if he took care of Hershel's brain, but I'm telling myself he did because I really can't live with the thought of my dear Hershel's zombie head chomping at grass for all eternity.
We have a bunch more scuffles I'll recap quickly - Guvs vs. Rick, where Michonne saves the day by killing Guvs and leaving him to die.
Guvs' idiot followers attacking the prison, with only Tara having any sense. "He just chopped off a guy's head with a sword!" Thank you! Why does no one else think that's a bit off?
Our prison gang is fighting with enviable gusto (I'm not sure I could be that cool) but Daryl takes the crown for badassery. Mitch brings the tank all the way up to the prison and Daryl is all "Oh yeah, bitch? How would you like a grenade down your blowhole?" That gets Mitch out of the tank in a hurry and then he tries to surrender and Daryl's like, "Oh yeah, bitch? The Zombie Apocalypse didn't start yesterday." And then he shoots an arrow in his Mitch's chest. See ya, sucker!
Tyrese is a gun-shooting buffoon (as usual) and Tara's girlfriend, Alicia, is all "I'm gonna kill you" and she probably was going to succeed but then creepy kid Lizzie came out and shot Alicia point-blank in her bitch head. And she shot Alicia's little redshirt friend, too, for good measure. I cheered and then I lowered my arms because I realized I just cheered for a young girl who killed two people. But whatever. They were attacking her and they probably would have shot her next. Unfortunately, this is the new world. I am SO glad that my biggest problem is crying on my couch about Hershel.
The fights draw to a close and people scatter. We end up with Glenn on the bus with a bunch of redshirts; Maggie, Bob (who's been shot), and Sasha; Beth and Daryl (bow-chicka-bow-wow in their future?); and Tyrese with the kids (this'll be good). Rick finds Carl and is relieved before realizing he doesn't know where Judith is.
Which is when we see the second most horrifying scene of the episode - a bloody, empty baby carrier. Rick and Carl assume the worst, that she was a zombie snack. I really can't stomach Hershel and Judith biting it in the same episode, so I'm chosing to believe a really bloody person saved her at the last second and decided to ditch the baby carrier. I don't blame them - you can hardly walk without those damn things bumping your legs at every step so I can't even imagine running with it.
Oh, and I nearly forgot (because I don't really care) but this whole time Lily was being the worst mom ever (which is hard to accomplish because remember Lori?) and was letting Megan play in the mud super far away from her while she perched on top of an RV making sure no walkers crossed the river. Great plan! If you're on an island, moron. But what if walkers come up from behind you?
Or, what if they crawl out of the dirt and eat Megan? Did you ever think of that? Clearly not, since that's what happened. Dumbass.
But then she turns into a badass because she brings Megan to the prison and hands her to Guvs (this was before he died, obviously) and he shoots Penny 2.0 in the head. So then, at the end of the episode, Lily shoots Guvs in the head. I'm glad he's dead but I totally wanted him to suffer and be torn alive by walkers first. Oh well. I also wanted Hershel to run in a field with puppies but that's not happening, either.
So, I guess I'll see you all in February when this fabulous show returns. What will become of our scattered survivors? We'll find out then!