4 Ways To Survive Until The Walking Dead Returns

Sunday's finale of The Walking Dead was great. It answered a few questions (Terminus is just as bad as we thought it was), left a few unanswered (What happened to Beth? When will we see Carol, Judith, and Tyrese?), and asked a few new ones (How the heck are they going to get out of this one?). But the biggest question is: How will we survive until October when Season 5 starts?

Never fear, your zombie apocalypse buddy is here with some suggestions!

4 Ways to Survive Until The Walking Dead Returns

1. Run in a zombie-free field

Unlike zombies, you can run. Unlike our survivors on The Walking Dead, you can run in a zombie-free field. Enjoy it while you can!

2. Watch Game of Thrones

It starts April 6, 2014 and will run into June. That should help ease some of the pain, though July-October is going to be rough.

3. Make gnarly zombie-inspired foods

Gross out your friends and family with your disgusting creations. Hop on Pinterest and search for "zombie food" for some truly nasty ideas. Image credit

4. Read my Walking Dead recaps

They're like the wallflower at prom hanging out in the corner, not getting much attention. They've had a lot of punch to drink. Mind asking them to dance? They're not infected with the zombie virus. Yet.

Episode 1: "30 Days Without an Accident"
Episode 2: "Infected"
Episode 3: "Isolation"
Episode 4: "Indifference"
Episode 5: "Internment"
Episode 6: "Live Bait"
Episode 7: "Dead Weight"
Episode 8: "Too Far Gone"
Episode 9: "After"
Episode 10: "Inmates"
Episode 11: "Claimed"
Episode 12: "Still"
Episode 13: "Alone"
Episode 14: "The Grove"
Episode 15: "Us"
Episode 16: "A"

Remember, those who arrive, survive. (Unless they get served up on Mary's grill). Hope to see you in October!

The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 16: "A"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "A", Season 4 Episode 16.

Sniff, the finale is finally here and we have no more Walking Dead until October. That's an eternity from now! At least they left us with some good stuff. Without further ado, here's the recap:

In some amazing news, I didn't want to slap Carl this episode. I'm not sure if I should thank the writers or the actor or both, but thanks.

Rick teaches Carl and Michonne about snares but what he's really doing is foreshadowing what's going to happen at Ominous. You see, with a bunny snare you find a path they already take (though I think the set designer could have used a little help - this path practically had a white picket fence around it) and set the snare in the middle so that the unsuspecting bunnies run right through it and get caught. Better than being murdered by Lizzie, I suppose.

Rick and Michonne are camping in the street while Carl sleeps in a truck, when Joe and the Creepsters show up lookin' for some revenge. They hold guns to Rick and Michonne's heads, and some super creepy guy corners Carl in the truck. Who thinks something bad is going to happen here?

Daryl shows up and valiantly tries to be killed in Rick's place. Sweet move but does he really think something like that is going to fly with this group? I'm not sure murderers and rapists are the most reasonable people. He gets an ass-whoopin' for his efforts.

Rick tries to keep his cool, which must be tough when a d-bag like Joe has a gun to your head. Joe narrates his plans, which include raping Michonne, then Carl, then killing Rick. Well that doesn't sound very fun. Papa Bear can no longer handle the threat to his son, so he backwards head butts Joe, knocking the gun out of his hand and then goes all zombie on Joe and RIPS HIS THROAT OUT WITH HIS TEETH. Damn!

Side note: One time when I was 12 and my brother was 10 we got into a massive food fight. No jar of condiments in the house was safe. I was scooping mayo with my hands and throwing it at him, but that only enraged the beast. Somehow he backed me up against the stove, his back to me, and we were deadlocked there for a second while we each tried to figure out our next move. He backwards headbutted me and I'm pretty sure I've never felt more pain than that (and I had an 18-hour labor with my son, most of which was unmedicated). So, props to Rick for pulling out a great move, and then following it up with an even better final blow.

But he's not done! He and the rest of the gang finish off every last one of those no-good bastards and our gang of four gets battered and bruised, but alive.

We have a sweet moment the next morning where Daryl explains why he was with those losers and Rick says it's OK and calls him his "brother". Sounds good, just don't get in a food fight with him.

Then the gang heads to Ominous, and Rick shows us he's still got his mad cop skills by doing several intelligent things that none of the other arrivals before them thought to do:
1. Get off the tracks and approach Ominous from a different side so they can scope it out first.
2. Bury most of their guns outside the fence so that just in case they have to hand over all their weapons once inside, they still have a stash.
3. Jump the fence and enter Ominous through the back door, catching the weirdo hippie residents off-guard.

The crew at Ominous seems nice enough but so did Woodbury at first. Gareth, their leader, takes them out to the grill for lunch and Detective Rick recognizes the yellow backpack (see, there was a point to that storyline!), the poncho, Glenn's riot gear, and the pocketwatch Hershel gave to Glenn. Rick takes Pocketwatch Guy hostage and demands answers. Shots fly and chaos ensues, and our little bunnies get herded right where this group of weirdoes wants them. Rick is smart enough to realize that's what's happening - the marksmen are aiming at their feet not their bodies - but it doesn't change the outcome.

They run past some train cars with people screaming to be let out. Then they come across a creepy-ass room with a bundle of lit candles (I so called that there would be more pointless burning in this episode, though at least candles are supposed to be burned, albeit it preferably not unattended) and people's names chalked on the floor, as if in memorial. Our gang also runs past a tarp covered in human skeletons. Methinks Ominous is not the dreamland everyone was hoping for.

Our gang finally stops and Gareth shouts orders from the rooftop, directing them into a train car. Chilling Holocaust imagery. Me no likey. At least in the train car they find Glenn, Maggie, Sasha, Bob, Tara, Eugene, Abraham, and Rosita. Everyone is instant buddies and they vow to do some major ass-kicking next season.

Odds and ends:
We had quite a few flashbacks to Farmer Rick and they all included Hershel. I hate the expression "too soon" because it's like, stop being such a baby you baby. But I felt like it was too soon. I had finally maybe sort of started to get used to a life without Hershel and then they show me scenes with him? Lovely, optimistic, hopeful scenes? How many times do they want to rip that band-aid off?

We didn't see Beth, Tyrese, Carol, or Judith, so that leaves a little suspense for next season. Hopefully Tyrese and Carol can save the day and not just hop into Ominous like so many of the bunnies before them. See you in October!

Hungry for more (brains)? Check out all my recaps:

Episode 1: "30 Days Without an Accident"
Episode 2: "Infected"
Episode 3: "Isolation"
Episode 4: "Indifference"
Episode 5: "Internment"
Episode 6: "Live Bait"
Episode 7: "Dead Weight"
Episode 8: "Too Far Gone"
Episode 9: "After"
Episode 10: "Inmates"
Episode 11: "Claimed"
Episode 12: "Still"
Episode 13: "Alone"
Episode 14: "The Grove"
Episode 15: "Us"
Episode 16: "A"

The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 15: "Us"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Us", Season 4 Episode 15.

We get to see a little bit of a lot of people this week. Yay!

Glenn, Tara, and the Three Musketeers

They're on their way down the railroad tracks when they see one of Maggie's messages. Woot woot! So Glenn starts running like an idiot. I understand his excitement but maybe he should look at the map first to get an idea of how much further he might have to run. Plus, running on railroad tracks is just asking to trip and fall. Furthermore, don't you think you should stick with your group? Let's just take everything down a notch, buddy, and keep walking at a normal pace.

They come upon a tunnel and that's where the Three Musketeers are all "Yeah, you're on your own, suckers." Only a fool would go into a tunnel that you can HEAR WALKERS GROWLING in with just a little bit of ammo and Tara as a partner. They leave on good terms and Stupid Glenn and Burdened-By-Guilt Tara venture into the dark tunnel alone. Tara twists her ankle AGAIN and Glenn decides to risk his life saving her instead of leaving her behind like she asks him to, and we think they're both going to die until miraculously the Three Musketeers, along with Maggie, Sasha, and Bob, show up and save the day. So everyone's reunited!

And what better way for a couple to reunite than for Maggie to burn the picture of her that Glenn had been saving? "You'll never need this again." I wouldn't be so sure. And what's the harm in holding onto a photo? Maybe he'll want to look at it when she goes to the bathroom. It's not like they will always be together for every second forever and ever. What's with people burning stuff on this show just to prove a point?

Daryl and the Numbskulls

Daryl's new group is just as bad as we thought they would be, though the leader seems to be at least somewhat better than the rest. Daryl's having a hard time fitting in but it seems the leader likes him the best.

Some d-bag in the group tries to frame Daryl for a crime and then gets beaten to death for it. The d-bag was a child molesting creep so he's better off dead but still, it makes the group seem extra scary. Because it's not like they killed him for that, they killed him for lying.

We also hear about the Rick-in-the-house incident from the leader's perspective and it's clear they're going to try to kill Rick if/when they ever find him because of the stunt he pulled back at the house. Oh, you mean killing a bad guy and then trying to survive, all after YOU invaded his turf and threatened to rape the woman he was with? Yeah, Rick sure is a horrible guy. Kill him!

Rick, Michonne, and Carl

Not much happened with them, which means we finally had an episode where I didn't want to slap Carl. The only thing of note is that they dropped a candy bar wrapper on the railroad tracks (side note: I know it's the ZA and there are dead zombies all over the place but it still seems like we shouldn't be littering) and then Daryl and the Numbskulls passed the wrapper later. So that means Rick and Co. will already be at Ominous when the gang arrives. That won't be pretty.

We end the episode with Glenn, Maggie, Sasha, Bob, Tara, and the Three Musketeers arriving at Ominous. It seems like Woodbury all over again - good from the outside but still giving off a creepy vibe. I would just try to stay positive and look at the flowers, but we know how that worked out for Lizzie. And it irks me that our crew didn't close the gates behind them. Maybe they want a quick escape route (I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt), but it sure does seem like a few zombies could sneak in while they're slowly scoping out the place. Dummies.

Next week is the season finale! I think I'll go ahead and pop some popcorn now and sit on my couch and wait. I'm so excited!!!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 14: "The Grove"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "The Grove", Season 4 Episode 14.

If it's not one child I want to slap on this show, it's another. Just when I was enjoying a break from Carl we get an episode with CrazyPants Lizzie.

Carol, Tyrese, Lizzie, Mika, and Judith are on their way to Ominus and stop off at a grove for a few days for a little R&R. They roast pecans, try to hunt for deer, and even get to use running water from a well. I understand the pull of Ominous - they could be reunited with the rest of the prison gang and they're curious as to what else is left in this desolate world. But you'd have a hard time pulling me away from clean, running water, that's all I'll say.

No worries, though. Lizzie goes and ruins it all for them. We find out she's the freakazoid who dissected the rat at the prison and fed the walkers at the fence, putting everyone's lives in danger. She had no problem killing people at the prison (like Tara's girlfriend, point-blank in the head) but she flips out whenever a walker dies. Girl has issues. And unfortunately, professional therapy is pretty much nonexistent in the ZA.

Carol honorably still tries to mother CrazyPants, but it's just not getting through her slappable skull. However, Carol and Tyrese think it's sunk in enough to leave the three girls alone while they go out hunting.

They return to see that Lizzie has KILLED MIKA in cold-blood, and shows no remorse because "she'll come back, you'll see." And she starts to say she was about to do the same to Judith. So it's clear we've got an "Of Mice and Men" situation on our hands. I remember reading that book in high school and was a bit slow on the the uptake, but by the last five pages I realized what George was going to do to Lennie and I bawled my eyes out.

So, even though I wanted to slap Lizzie this whole episode, I couldn't help but go soft when Carol took her out to the field and Lennied her. Props to Carol for doing what had to be done - Crazypants had already killed HER SISTER and endangered the lives of many others AND said straight up she'd do it again - but shooting a kid in the head? I honestly don't even think I could slap a kid, much as I enjoy saying so from the comfort of my couch.

As if Carol hasn't gone through enough, she decides to tell Tyrese the truth that she was the one who killed Karen and David. He's pissed (side note: he's showing more pain over the loss of Karen than of his own sister, who he believes is dead, but I blame that on the writers for trying to amp up the drama instead of being consistent) and Carol even hands him a gun and gives him permission to kill her (side note: that's a safe bet since he's a horrible shot, though it makes her look reasonable so well-played). But he forgives her, likely being enlightened by his "Of Mice and Men" literature lesson he witnessed earlier that day. In the ZA, people have to do things they wouldn't normally do, but if the intentions are right, then you can forgive. My high school English teacher would be so proud!

On yet another side note, our group saw the big cloud of smoke from Beth and Daryl's f-you-cabin-burning and there were even some bad-ass charred zombies coming out of the woods as a result. Cool! But Beth and Daryl are still stupid for doing that. One nice thing is that it confirms our characters are all pretty close. With only two more episodes left, I'm hoping we'll get a reunion soon!

See you next week!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 13: "Alone"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Alone", Season 4 Episode 13.

We start out with a flashback of Bob before he met up with our group, though I admit I was a little confused and thought it was present day. When Daryl and Glenn stumbled across him and asked their three questions (remember those?) I was like "Whaaaa? Ohhhhhh. Flashback." Anyway, I think the point we're supposed to take from this flashback is that Bob didn't like being ALONE, even though he was actually quite good at surviving.

Back in the present day, he and Maggie and Sasha are still trudging on to find Glenn (and to go to the sanctuary ominously named Terminus). There's a cool zombie fight scene in the fog where they only barely get out alive, which is enough to make Sasha decide she doesn't want to keep doing this. She says it would be better to stay put in a town and build a life there. But Psychoanalyst Bob thinks that she's just afraid of getting to Ominous and not finding Tyrese there.

Stubborn Maggie makes it easy for them by leaving the next morning before they wake up. I thought we learned the buddy system by now? Geez. I-Never-Want-To-Be-Alone-Again Bob tries to get Sasha to go with him to follow Maggie, even kissing her (I fist-pumped a few times and Hubby looked over at me, confused, then looked at my computer screen and was like "Ah, I get it") but it wasn't enough to convince her to come. So then Bob GOES OFF ALONE to find Maggie so that he won't BE ALONE even though he wasn't ALONE when he was with Sasha. Silly guy.

Much as I want to hate Maggie for being stubborn and stupid, she does three things that remind me how awesome she is and why I like her:
1) She kills a walker and uses its blood to leave a message for Glenn, in case he's heading to Ominous as well. Communication: It's not just for the pre-apocalyptic world!

2) She realizes she should really stick with Bob and Sasha because three is better than one (so maybe she can hear me shouting through the TV?) and stops at a town along the tracks to wait for them to catch up, knowing that Sasha wanted to stop at the next town.

3) In said town, she does some major zombie ass-whooping with a "No Parking" sign. When she picked it up I was like "Oh, that's good. She can't knock a zombie down with it, buying her time to get a better weapon to stab its brains out." But then she one-upped me and used it to SLICE ZOMBIE HEADS like she was on Top Chef: Zombie Edition. Bad ass! Why didn't I think of that?

Sasha fights some zombies too, because she's also bad ass, and then she's all "Wah, wah, Bob is right, we need to go to Ominus and I need to stop being a wussy about finding out the truth about Tyrese." So they catch up to Bob on the tracks and he's all happy he's not ALONE anymore (though I repeat, he wouldn't have been ALONE if he didn't leave ON HIS OWN).

Sounds like a full episode, right? But I haven't told you about Beth and Daryl yet!

Daryl is teaching Beth how to track and use a crossbow, but then she gets her foot stuck in a trap, which requires Daryl to carry her and make us wonder if something more physical than that is going to happen between those two. I get my fist ready for some air-pumping, just in case.

They come upon a funeral home that is stocked with a "white trash brunch" - peanut butter and jelly, Coke, and pig's feet - and they notice the place is pretty well-kept for something in the ZA. They just chalk it up to someone who is out but will be back, so they stupidly let their guard down. I'm not sure why Daryl wasn't more suspicious.

They stay the night and set up a barrier of rope with hubcaps and cans so they can hear walkers or people coming. They're startled at a noise but it turns out it's just a dog. Weird. I wonder how he got there. And where's his owner?

Then they hear the noise again and Daryl has apparently lost all his brain cells at this point because he just opens the door instead of checking first to see if it's still the dog. Nope, it's a horde of zombies instead! He tells Beth to run (so, limp, since her ankle is still messed up) while he fights off the zombies.

In his third stupid move of the episode, he lets all the zombies in and then tries to take them out one by one, even though he had the door pinned mostly closed with just a few zombie arms sticking through. Couldn't he have just stabbed the zombie arms and then closed the door and then gone back to eating pig's feet?

So they come streaming in the funeral home and he leads them downstairs and manages to fight them all off (that part was pretty cool, I admit)  then run back upstairs and outside, only to see Beth's backpack on the ground and a car speeding away. Who's car is that? Why did they take Beth? Did Daryl grab any pig's feet for the road?

Daryl is a great tracker but he's no match for a car. So he wanders along the road, dejected. Just when Beth had given him hope that there good people in the world, she got herself kidnapped and Daryl once again blames himself for someone else's demise. He sits down in the middle of the road and has a little pout, and then our good friends, the bad guys from the house with Rick a few episodes ago, show up. Oh great. Exactly the kind of people I wish would just be extinct by now.

Daryl is outnumbered so he goes with the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" plan, but I'm hoping it's just a self-preservation technique until he can escape and find Beth. His hair is dirty enough as it is - he really doesn't need to hang around with these good-for-nothin' greaseballs.

Will our scattered groups finally reach Ominous next week? Will Beth escape her captor by singing songs? Will Bob and Sasha have a Major Makeout Session? Stay tuned for next week!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 12: "Still"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Still", Season 4 Episode 12.

Well, this recap is going to be easy because NOTHING happened this episode.

Daryl was a grump but at least he killed a rattlesnake for dinner and did some nice zombie skull-bashing. I really don't know why I eat while I watch this show.

Beth got sick of Daryl's what's-the-point attitude and went on a mission for booze. This is normally something I would support - I love me some booze and have a bottle of champagne chilling for when Baby #2 is born - but in the ZA? No thanks. When I drink, it's balls to the wall. There's no one-glass-of-wine this or a tiny-sip-of-liquor that. I drink everything in sight and leave a path of destruction in my wake. I'm chill like that.

But I can only do that if I know that the next day I can lounge around in my hungover misery, drink gallons of water, stuff my face with greasy fast food, and eventually (when I can stand up long enough) take a shower. None of those things would be possible in the ZA. Could you imagine waking up with a helluva hangover and have to KILL ZOMBIES and then RUN AWAY and then NOT EVEN GET MCDONALDS as a reward for your efforts? No way, man. So until I got set up in a camp with water and food, I'd be saying no to liquor.

That doesn't stop Boozy Beth from seeking some out. First she finds a wine bottle but has to kill a zombie with it. Considering the bottle was already opened (and who knows for how long) I'd say that zombie did her a favor.

Then she finds some peach Schnapps, which Daryl Downer smashes on the floor, eloquently stating that "I ain't havin' your first drink be no peach Schnapps." Word.

Finally, Daryl gets on board with BoozeQuest and leads Beth to a shack with some moonshine (that apparently he had found while searching the area with Michonne). They play "I've Never," which is always fun but degenerates quickly. Daryl gets pissed at what seems like the present but is really about his past. You see, before the ZA he wasn't any of the cool things people have been guessing, he was just Merle's sidekick.

But then Beth talks him off the ledge and they end up sitting on the porch of the shanty drinking moonshine and chatting. As you do.

What's the logical next step? Burn that mother down! Why enjoy shelter (especially since they slept in a CAR TRUNK the previous night) when you can burn it down in a short-lived therapy session? Oh, and since it's in the middle of the woods, maybe it will set the whole rest of the world on fire while they're at it. If people in real life did half the stupid crap people on TV do, we wouldn't be long for this world.

Yet I keep coming back for more. Next week: hopefully an episode with more than two characters and less burning of houses!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 11: "Claimed"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Claimed", Season 4 Episode 11.

We're back with the happy Grimes family: Rick, Turdface (Carl), and Michonne. Michonne and Turdface go out scavenging, while Rick reluctantly stays back at the house. The thing about this show is that you just know something as seemingly simple as this is going to go all sorts of wrong.

Michonne and Turdface come across a house where the entire family offed themselves in the nursery. A nursery that doesn't seem to have the proper amount of exits to be safe for a child, but I suppose that was due more to a dramatic staging choice by the directors. I'm telling myself there was another door in the room (maybe I missed it while I was shielding my face from the decaying bodies on the bed) or else I'll have a claustrophobia attack. Anyway, the purpose of this portion of the episode was to give us a little backstory on Michonne (though we already knew she had a toddler), give her a chance to bond with Turdface, and give Turdface a chance to grieve over Judith, who he doesn't know is alive. Not a bad idea to grieve, though, because if Lizzie hangs out with Judith for much longer, Carl might not ever see Judith alive again anyway. I shudder just thinking about creepy Lizzie, and she wasn't even in this episode.

Meanwhile Rick is playing the scariest game of hide-and-seek ever. I see the writers didn't listen to my request last week that survivors of the apocalypse stop in-fighting. Because just as my sweet post-coma Rick is about to relax with a good book, some d-bags arrive on the scene and start wreaking havoc. We know they're d-bags because they find Michonne's shirt drying in the bathroom (indicating a woman was recently there and planning to return) and talk about who's going to get her first when she comes back. And I don't think they're looking for friendly conversation.

Then Anonymous D-bag A tries to take a nap on the bed Rick is hiding under but Anonymous D-bag B comes in the room and knocks him unconscious so he can take a nap. See? D-bags. There are several other beds in this house, as well as sofas. Did he really need to almost kill this guy just to catch a little shut-eye? Seems like fighting to near-death is the opposite of a good idea if you're tired. Then again, my 18-month-old son will kick and scream and bang on everything rather than go to bed, but as soon as you put him in bed he's out. So I guess what I'm trying to say is these D-bags act like very strong toddlers.

Rick escapes by climbing out a bathroom window, but not before killing a d-bag who was using the toilet. I know I said I wished people would stop killing people, but it seems that getting rid of one of these bad guys is probably good for the long-term survival of the species so I'll let it slide.

Rick manages to spot Michonne and Turdface before they get back to the house, and they all run off. Whew! They end up on the train tracks and head to Terminus, which is where Beth, Daryl, Tyrese, Carol, Lizzie, Mika, and Judith were all headed to last time we saw them. Maybe Maggie and Sasha and Bob will end up there, too? I kinda forget where they ended up last episode because I was so mad at Maggie for being such a stubborn stupidpants.

Speaking of stubborn stupidpants, Glenn refuses to go along with our three new characters and instead wants to return solo to find Maggie. Here are all the reasons this is dumb:

1. Dude, no going anywhere alone. How have you survived this long without learning that?
2. They were already 3 hours away BY TRUCK from the school bus. I'm not sure how fast the truck was going but I'd say they could easily be 200 miles away. Then their truck got shot up during a zombie attack so now they have to walk back. Doing some quick math, I think it's going to take them several days to walk back, and that's only if they walk all day and don't get killed by zombies.
3. Our new characters seem interesting and haven't killed any people yet (on screen). And they were on their way to Washington, DC to SAVE THE WORLD. I like Maggie and all but these people sound way more interesting. Why can't we just stay with them?

Oh, but Glenn gets to have his post-apocalyptic cake and eat it too because not only does he head back to find Maggie but all the new people (plus Tara) come with him, since they don't have anywhere better to go without their truck. Lucky!

Will everyone meet up next week? Will Glenn and Maggie continue to be the most stubborn people on the planet? Could my 18-month-old take on a group of d-bags? Stay tuned to find out!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 10: "Inmates"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Inmates", Season 4 Episode 10.

Last week we saw what happened to On-Death's-Door Rick, Turd-Face Carl, and Bad-Ass Michonne. It was great (minus Turd Face) but who else was impatient to see the rest of our crew? Ask and ye shall receive - this week's episode brought us up to speed:

It's like in the movie "Clue" (one of my all-time faves) - there are some random pairings of people in the group, no doubt not really "random" choices by the writers but rather an intentional move to show how some characters interact with each other. I'm cool with that.

We start with Beth and Daryl, polar opposites. Beth is sweet and still pretty naive when it comes to the ZA. Daryl is a man of action and few words. So to fill their screentime, we have Beth doing a voiceover from diary entries she wrote back at the prison. The VO highlights some major optimism on her part, which is just sad when juxtaposed with the scenes we're seeing on screen - running, fighting zombies, seeing what looks to be the dead body of a child who had previously been in their group. The only plus is that they seem to be on the right track (Literally! They're on a railroad track!) to meet up with the others.

Next up Lizzie (Children of the Corn 1) and Mika (Children of the Corn 2) and Tyrese. Oh, and Tyrese turns around slowly to reveal... Judith! See, I told y'all. First rule of TV - they're not dead unless you see them die. Which unfortunately means my poor Hershel is deader than dead. I'm still pretty sure I'm never going to get over that.

Anyway, Tyrese and the Kids (funk band name?) have a few rough encounters and we see Lizzie in an even crazier light. First, she kills bunnies just to kill them. I mean, we didn't even see the group eat them so I'm pretty sure we figured out who was doing those weird science experiments back at the prison. Then, Tyrese (stupidly) runs off to help someone screaming and leaves the kids alone in the woods. Mika flips when she hears a noise (understandable) and when Judith starts crying Lizzie starts to smother her and only gets stopped in the nick of time by...Carol! She's back. And not a moment to soon. Everyone needs to sleep with one eye open around this Lizzie chick. Carol and the kids (definitely not as cool of a band name) meet up with Tyrese the Zombie Slayer, and luckily for Carol, Tyrese doesn't know she's the confessed (doesn't mean it's true!) killer of his lady friend and that other dude. So they team up and head down the same tracks. Oh, and left a man for dead among some zombie remains. Why not mercy kill him? I guess Tyrese likes to minimize his killings and Carol doesn't want to show Tyrese how easy it is for her to slay humans.

Next we see Maggie, Sasha, and Bob. No-Booze Bob is a mighty cheerful lad. And he seems to be putting the moves on Sasha, while she's simply trying to bandage his wounds. Maggie doesn't give three hoots because she wants to find Glenn. Not that I wouldn't want the same in her position. But she pulls the same crap every idiot on this show does and insists on going to find him even though they should probably find food and shelter, and then inadvertently guilts the rest of the group into coming because they don't want to leave her alone.

Note to the world: you would totally want me with you in the ZA. I would never go all macho pants and declare I was going off on my own while secretely hoping you'd come along and help. Nope, I'd stay put and help gather food and build a shelter. And then if you told me to move on, I'd move on. I'd be helpful and complacent. Pick me! Pick me!

So Must-Find-Glenn Maggie and her crew magically find the school bus that Maggie is sure Glenn is on. It's filled with zombies so they let them out one-by-one to kill them/check for Glenn. Of course the zombies get the better of them and it gets tense but of course they kill them all but of course the last one standing keeps its Glenn-looking head down until Maggie kills it. And we only find out it's not Glenn when we segue to...

Glenn! Alive! At the prison! Once he gets his bearings, he does the other thing I would do in the ZA - STOCK UP ON SUPPLIES WHILE YOU CAN. It's amazing these knuckleheads have survived as long as they have when they go off on stupid missions and spend half their time talking instead of gathering supplies. I would have a backpack on me at all times and if someone wanted to talk I would remind them of the old adage for restaurant workers - "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." But I would modify it to "If you have time to talk, you have time to pack supplies and kill zombies and contribute to the group." Not as catchy but very applicable.

So props to Glenn for stocking up before heading out. Then more props for devising a smart plan (Molotov Cocktail + riot gear = Glenn's escape route throught the zombie horde that has invaded the prison). And even more props for saving Tara because while she's not my favorite character, she has a moral compass and potential. They make their way to the bus (so they're probably close to these tracks everyone eventually ends up at) but then they get stopped by three people who are clearly straight out of the comic books. Oh, excuse me, graphic novels.

Something tells me these people aren't good, but could they just for once not be totally bad? I'm kind of sick of all the baddies. There are, like, hardly any people left on the planet but instead of banding together they all have to kill each other? I'm not asking for drum circles and noodle dancing and eating shrooms (actually, that DOES sound like a fun way to pass time in the ZA), but people could at least pool resources and stop killing each other. I love this show (and I know they're somewhat limited by what happens in the comics) but COME ON. I could handle things being just a smidge less bleak, if only for a short time.

We'll see if I get my wish next week!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 9: "After"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "After", Season 4 Episode 9.

Yay! The Walking Dead is finally back. Without further ado, the recap:

Michonne takes in the damage at the prison. I'm really glad we start with Michonne because I could use some badassness (especially given how the rest of the episode goes). She "makes" two new zombie pets and walks around the rubble.

My heart nearly stopped when she came upon Hersel's zombified head. I shouldn't have been surprised - I mean, The Dick-tator or whatever his stupid name was, beheaded him so according to the rules of the show Hershel's head would inevitably zombify. But, like, I'm kind of still having a hard time dealing with his death from the last episode, which was a billion years ago. I just loved that guy and it was just so cruel and pointless what Dick-head did.

Thankfully Michonne put him out of his misery. At least I think she did but I had to cover the screen with my hand.

Then we see what's up with Carl and Rick, the only other people in this episode. Remember that one episode with Rick, Carl, and Michonne where Carl was a little turd and Michonne put him in his place and it became OK to like Carl? This episode isn't like that. Because Michonne is off on her own path of discovery and we're stuck with angsty little turd Carl being nothing but a miserable turd to his near-dead father. Every. Single. Conversation is a battle of wills between those two, where Rick is right, if a bit naive, and Carl is an obnoxious little turd who thinks he doesn't need his Daddy. We'll see about that, turd-face.

They go to a Mexican restaurant (oh my god, how much would you miss good Mexican food in the ZA?) and loot it, but not before nearly being killed by a ridiculously tall zombie. Which made me think. My husband is super tall and I would have a hard time killing him (for many reasons) if he ever became a zombie. Let's sincerely hope that never happens (for many reasons). They score some food, mainly tortilla chips, and it makes my mouth dry just looking at it. These dudes need to find a water supply, stat. They need to shower, for starters, clean their numerous wounds, and wash the delicous salty tortilla chip goodness down. Man, I really shouldn't write my recaps right before dinner.

Michonne crosses a path and notices some fresh human footprints. Rick and Carl? Other prison survivors? Other survivors? She doesn't give a hoot, choosing instead to cross the path and head into the woods with her pets. Her tiny group slowly turns into a horde, and within the horde she notices a zombie much like herself. Well, not really because the zombie's shirt is fugly but she's black and has dreads and bears close enough resemblance to get Michonne thinking about her fate. This is probably more due to the fact of the nightmare she had which gave us a glimpse into her backstory - she had a cute little baby boy (we KNEW she must have had a kid, based on her reaction to Judith's crying), a "lover" named Mike, and Mike had a douchey friend. Mike and Douche eventually went a little nutso with the ZA and thus became her pets. We weren't given conclusive proof on what happened to her son, but sounds like Mike likely killed him then killed himself because he didn't see the point of living after the ZA. At least we were spared the Lori-like conversation that must have entailed but man, Michonne had it rough. No wonder she usually scowls.

Anywho, she falls in with this horde but then is all like, "You know what? F this, I'm a badass." So she katanas everyone last one of those zombies, including her pets, then goes back to pick up the trail. Wheee! Maybe she will find Rick and Carl and make the scenes with Carl more bearable!

Back with Turdface and Rick, we have more of the same teen angst. I have never disliked a child as much as I disliked Carl this whole episode. With his stupid rage and his stupid pouty lips and his stupid mouth hanging open I just wanted to slap him over and over again like an animated gif.

At the same time, I get it. He's actually scared of being alone and just doesn't know it yet. So I should probably sympathize with the little turd but it's really hard when he's yelling at his dad and blaming him for everything (right, because it's ALL Rick's fault) and being reckless and stupid and leaving his mouth open.

Like, first, he yells really loudly and attracts zombies' attention. Then he tries to lure them away by walking backward and not looking where he's going and -shocker- one comes up from behind him and he almost dies. Luckily he's able to use a bunch of bullets from his enless supply (oh...wait) and survive. So of course this makes him cocky. God, he's insufferable. Then he gets into another embroil with a zombie, and this time loses his shoe. Why couldn't it be the hat? Why is he even still wearing the hat if he hates his dad so much?

Then, and this is the worst, he eats an entire 112 oz. container of chocolate pudding. Why is that the worst? Because he takes tiny little wussy bites. I know actors aren't supposed to stuff their face while filming because after 42 takes they will have consumed way too much food/drink/whatever they're supposed to be consuming. But I'm sorry, it just wasn't realistic. I remember when my brother (who still doesn't read my recaps, boo) was that age and he would eat everything in 3 bites. Burger? 3 bites. Piece of chocolate cake? 3 bites. I would say "Why don't you slow down and savor it? That way you can really enjoy it." And he would respond, "This IS how I enjoy it." So, yeah, sorry, but I don't believe that a starving teenage boy with no adult supervision would eat pudding like the Queen of England. Just add it to the list of reasons I can't stand the kid.

Then he comes home to his comatose dad and I'm all, "They wouldn't actually kill Rick, would they?" First Hershel, then (maybe) Judith, then Rick? I don't think I can watch The Carl Show without Rick.

But fortunately they just did a little fake-out where we thought Rick was dead and zombified but really he's just in super bad shape and making zombie-sounding wheezing noises. Whew. Thank god Carl was too big of a wussy to actually shoot his dad, giving him enough time to realize his dad didn't actually need to be shot. And, ok, I guess I need to not be too harsh with him. He already had to shoot his mom and it's actually a good thing he wasn't able to shoot his dad so easily. Fine, the kid's alright. I said it.

Then, we end the episode on a nice note - Michonne managed to track them down and knocks on the front door. Reunited!

Can't wait to find out next week what happened to the rest of the crew. Who's alive? Who's in whose group? What's their plan? See you next week!

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A Zombie Valentine

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Need a gift for your zombie-obsessed lover? Or looking to make an Anti-Valentine's Day statement by giving a gory gift? I hear ya. That's why I've curated a special gift guide just for you: A Zombie Valentine.

A Zombie Valentine, for that perfect gift (besides brains)

1. Zombie Love Card, $4.50
Be mine? Puh-lease. Heard it before. But a card that declares your undying love for me even after the undead rule the world? I can bite into that.

2. Zombie Love Coffee Mug, $20
One of the things I'm going to miss most in the Zombie Apocalypse is coffee. I mean, sure, I'll scavenge and will drink stale coffee, no problem. But I don't know how to make coffee without my automatic coffee pot, complete with timer, so that the magical brew gets going before my alarm even goes off and I wake to the smell of caffeinated heaven. (*Scribbles note to self: Learn how to make coffee without use of electricty or the apocalypse is going to be unbearable.*) Where were we? Oh yes, I plan to share my morning cup of post-apocalyptic joe with my hubby in this adorable mug. Good plan.

3. Daryl Dixon Valentine Card, $4
Single on Valentine's Day? So's Daryl Dixon! Give those biceps a squeeze and team up with your post-apocalyptic knight in shining armor, also known as Pookie. Swoon.

4. Zombie Apocalypse Buddy Rings, $30 for a pair
Don't go it alone! Who's your buddy for the ZA? Whether it's a friend or your valentine, your bond is the strongest - not even brain-eating zombies can break it. Show it off with pride with these hand-stamped rings.

5. Zombie repellent soap, $8
Lighting a few candles, filling the tub with bubble bath, and sudsing down your valentine in zombie-repellent soap - have you ever heard of anything more romantic?

From my beating heart to yours, I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. That is, until a zombie comes and rips that heart out. Hey, they can't help it.

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Zombie Gift Guide

Looking for the perfect gift for that zombie-obsessed person on your list? Look no further, the Zombie Gift Guide is here!

Zombie Gift Guide, for that zombie-obsessed person on your list

1. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, $5-$8
I always meant to get around to reading the original Jane Austen classic but it just sounded so boring. Add in a few zombies, and I breezed through it in no time. Now when people talk about Mr. Darcy I can act like I know what they're talking about.

2. Zombie repellent soap, $8
"You look like a zombie, and you smell like one too." In the Zombie Apocalypse, this is actually a good thing, allowing you to blend in with your undead companions and avoid detection.

3. The Walking Dead graphic novel, Volume 1, $8
If you're a fan of the TV show The Walking Dead, check out the comic book. Excuse me, "graphic novel," for the learned amongst us. The show follows the comics but not exactly, so this is a great way to get extra mileage out of your favorite show!

4. In Case of Zombies Wall Decal, $3
We all hope to be heroes in the Zombie Apocalypse. In the meantime, we're stuck doing yardwork. Might as well make it cool! That THAT you big pile of snow!

5. KRE-O CityVille Invasion Police Station Zombie Defense Set, $20
Teach 'em young! Prepare the kids for the Zombie Apocalypse by training them with these purely educational toys.

Of course, you can always go for a build-your-own survival kit, stocked with an assortment of non-perishable foods (like spaghetti-o's, beef jerky, and fruit roll-ups), sharp pointy objects for zombie brain-stabbing, bandages for the inevitable disastrous encounters, and reading material to pass the long days. I imagine the end of the world can get lonely.

Happy Holidays!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 8: "Too Far Gone"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Too Far Gone", Season 4 Episode 8.

What a (mid-season) finale! Great television, for sure, even though I was a teary-eyed disaster.

We start with Guvs kidnapping my beloved Hershel and my beloved Michonne. Alright, dude. You can go ahead and die now. I softened to him ever so slightly two episodes ago, hated him after he Fish Tank 2.0'd Pretty Pete, and now I want to jump through my TV screen, rip his eye patch off, and stick my finger into his wretched eye socket and then wiggle it around until it reaches his brain. Then free my Hershel and Michonne and let Michonne katana his ass. Something tells me I'm not going to get any of the things I want.

Back at his camp, Guvs is speechifying to his sheep, convincing them to attack a prison with innocent people because wah, wah, Michonne poked his eye out (he conveniently leaves out why and with what) and wah, wah, they're not safe here so the only other place they can go is the prison that his enemies occupy. Really? There are no other prisons in Georgia? Maybe ones that DON'T have people in them who hold a grudge against you?

And, really? These morons don't think for a second that it's weird that Martinez dies, Pete dies, and then Patchy tries to send them on a war? These people have less brainpower than zombies.

Rick finally has a chance to tell Daryl about banishing Carol and Daryl has an appropriate reaction. He has a hard time believing Carol would do that but he trusts Rick. Moving on.

They go to tell Tyrese but Tyrese has stumbled on a weird-looking science project that's either a rat or a frog (does it matter?) that's been brutally dissected and psycho-fied. So either someone's doing research or being weird or both.

Guvs and his peeps sneak up on the prison with their army tank and six vehicles and arrange in a perfect formation before anyone (including the zombies) notices. How considerate of everyone! Could you imagine how embarrassing it would be if someone saw them before they got into formation? "Hold on, Rick! I'll be much more threatening in two seconds. Places, everybody!"

They fire at Glenn and Maggie's love nest, blowing it to bits. Thankfully the world's most boring couple wasn't in there at the time. They've been boring lately but I still love them.

I guess we won't find out about the science project in this episode because the tower bombing interrupts their discovery. Fingers crossed we find out eventually!

You may wonder why I'm going on and on about such little details. Part of it is because I'm just a really thorough recapper. But the bigger part is that I'm stalling because I don't really want to write about what happened next. But, alas, it's part of the job.

Ranger Rick goes out to talk Guvs down off the ledge (or tank, as it were). He is reasonable and offers peace, saying they can all live together in the prison and no one, including the innocent children and sick people from Guvs' former town who are inside the prison, has to die. We all know Guvs is beyond reason at this point but we're hoping at least one of his people will have some common sense and snipe him and end this thing. No such luck.

Guvs hops down and stands in front of Hershel with Michonne's katana and I start crying. Rick keeps on talking and even though we know they could never live together in peace, he's doing a great job buying time. C'mon people! Can't just ONE of you see that Guvs=bad and Rick=at least better than Guvs based on what you've seen thus far?

Then I relax for a second because Guvs pulls the katana away from Hershel's neck. But then I scream to my husband (who was watching something else with his headphones on and was like WTF?) "No, no, no, no..." and before I get to my 5th no, that horrible despicable excuse for a human being slices Hershel's neck.

Now I'm full on crying (I can't even blame the pregnancy hormones this time - I was honestly, truly gutted by this) and I could hardly watch the next sequence of events. TV-wise, it was good. Vicki's heart-wise, it was horrible.

Hershel didn't die right away, which only gave me the naive hope that he would live. But Patchy chased him then hacked away at him with Michonne's katana in a brutal, brutal scene. I couldn't watch the actual hacking (I covered the screen with my hand) but I did enjoy one aspect of it. For as badass as Guvs thinks he is, he really isn't. He's just a loser with some really bad hobbies (killing people) but he's not even slick about it. I found the scene realistic and humiliating for him, which got me through the horror of it. We didn't see if he took care of Hershel's brain, but I'm telling myself he did because I really can't live with the thought of my dear Hershel's zombie head chomping at grass for all eternity.

We have a bunch more scuffles I'll recap quickly - Guvs vs. Rick, where Michonne saves the day by killing Guvs and leaving him to die.

Guvs' idiot followers attacking the prison, with only Tara having any sense. "He just chopped off a guy's head with a sword!" Thank you! Why does no one else think that's a bit off?

Our prison gang is fighting with enviable gusto (I'm not sure I could be that cool) but Daryl takes the crown for badassery. Mitch brings the tank all the way up to the prison and Daryl is all "Oh yeah, bitch? How would you like a grenade down your blowhole?" That gets Mitch out of the tank in a hurry and then he tries to surrender and Daryl's like, "Oh yeah, bitch? The Zombie Apocalypse didn't start yesterday." And then he shoots an arrow in his Mitch's chest. See ya, sucker!

Tyrese is a gun-shooting buffoon (as usual) and Tara's girlfriend, Alicia, is all "I'm gonna kill you" and she probably was going to succeed but then creepy kid Lizzie came out and shot Alicia point-blank in her bitch head. And she shot Alicia's little redshirt friend, too, for good measure. I cheered and then I lowered my arms because I realized I just cheered for a young girl who killed two people. But whatever. They were attacking her and they probably would have shot her next. Unfortunately, this is the new world. I am SO glad that my biggest problem is crying on my couch about Hershel.

The fights draw to a close and people scatter. We end up with Glenn on the bus with a bunch of redshirts; Maggie, Bob (who's been shot), and Sasha; Beth and Daryl (bow-chicka-bow-wow in their future?); and Tyrese with the kids (this'll be good). Rick finds Carl and is relieved before realizing he doesn't know where Judith is.

Which is when we see the second most horrifying scene of the episode - a bloody, empty baby carrier. Rick and Carl assume the worst, that she was a zombie snack. I really can't stomach Hershel and Judith biting it in the same episode, so I'm chosing to believe a really bloody person saved her at the last second and decided to ditch the baby carrier. I don't blame them - you can hardly walk without those damn things bumping your legs at every step so I can't even imagine running with it.

Oh, and I nearly forgot (because I don't really care) but this whole time Lily was being the worst mom ever (which is hard to accomplish because remember Lori?) and was letting Megan play in the mud super far away from her while she perched on top of an RV making sure no walkers crossed the river. Great plan! If you're on an island, moron. But what if walkers come up from behind you?

Or, what if they crawl out of the dirt and eat Megan? Did you ever think of that? Clearly not, since that's what happened. Dumbass.

But then she turns into a badass because she brings Megan to the prison and hands her to Guvs (this was before he died, obviously) and he shoots Penny 2.0 in the head. So then, at the end of the episode, Lily shoots Guvs in the head. I'm glad he's dead but I totally wanted him to suffer and be torn alive by walkers first. Oh well. I also wanted Hershel to run in a field with puppies but that's not happening, either.

So, I guess I'll see you all in February when this fabulous show returns. What will become of our scattered survivors? We'll find out then!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 7: "Dead Weight"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Live Bait", Season 4 Episode 7.

I don't think any of us were really in suspense at the end of last week's episode. Would Martinez kill a little girl? No, he's not THAT cold. Would Martinez kill The Governor? No, why would he kill him now when he had a bajillion better opportunities to do so earlier?

So Martinez pulls my least two favorite people on this show (Bob and Tyrese, you're off the hook this week) out of the pit and brings them, with Tara and Lily, back to his camp. He's the leader of his new camp (Go Martinez!) and their motto is "No Dead Weight." Everyone agrees to contribute and I'm still wondering why this family left the safety of their home for this but whatevs.

Tara gets a girlfriend, Alicia, pretty quickly (oh yeah, last episode they clunked us over the head with the fact she's a lesbian). Alicia's tough and knows how to use a gun, a skill our little sheltered family really needs to pick up quick.

Martinez, Guvs, a hottie named Pete, and Pete's no-way-they're-blood-related brother Mitch (aka Charlie from Fringe - we miss you Charlie!) all go out on a recon mission. They pass a beheaded dude wearing a "liar" sign, another beheaded dude wearing a "rapist" sign, and the guy who likely did that to them, who shot himself in the head, but not before making his own "murderer" sign. They enter Murderer's cabin and of course Guvs is the only one who can protect the gang from the zombies within. And true to his nature, he kills them just a few too many times. Like, dude, one blow to the head will probably do but nooooo he has to bash them in with the good end of his flashlight until they're deader than the undead who are redead. He's leader of the Overkill Klub (which might not be a bad club to join in the Zombie Apocalypse).

They drink a few beers before heading back to camp. I'm cringing at how nasty those warm beers must taste, but I'm not saying I wouldn't have had one myself.

Back at camp, Martinez is hitting golf balls and caddy Brian is handing him his balls. Heh. The symbolism is not lost on Brian. Martinez admits he's not sure he can keep the camp safe and this is the final straw for Guvs. After all, he has a new pseudo-family to protect. So in the name of love, he whacks Martinez over the head with a golf club and then says, "How do you like THEM balls, huh?" Or at least he should have said that.

And, because he's eeeeeevil, he can't just kill Martinez like a normal psycho, no, he has to feed him alive to the walker pit. This guy really is the worst. Lucky for him, nobody saw what happened.

Finding themselves without a leader, the group is a bit lost. Pretty Pete steps up and Guvs goes along with it, at least for now. Guvs, Pete, and Mitch go hunting, where they spot another camp. Mitch wants to kill 'em and loot 'em but Pete is channeling his inner-Rick and doesn't want to. Their hunt is a bust and to add insult to injury, they pass the camp on the way back and see it had been uber-quietly killed and looted in their absence. I guess that's what scared all the game away. Mitch is pissed and we're not sure Guvs thinks, but I have a guess.

That night, Guvs decides he and his family need to hit the road. He's not impressed with the new leadership in this camp but he doesn't want to be a leader again. (Good call, dude.) But they hit a muddy patch in the road filled with zombies who are eternally stuck. It's a creepy scene made creepier by the fact they're in the middle of the woods and the only light is from the headlights of their truck. Guvs is like "F this, I just can't win" so they head back to their camp.

But the next day Guvs is like, "F this, I CAN win" and does so by straight up murdering Pete in cold-blood. No! Pete's so pretty! Not fair!

Then he goes up to Mitch and is all "Bitch, listen. I just killed your brother. Smoke a cigarette. No really, I don't care if you quit, it's the freaking Zombie Apocalypse so smoke. There we go, good boy. Now I'm showing you who's in control. So yeah, like I was saying, I killed your brother. You have two choices. Join him or join me. What's your pick? I have cigarettes!"

So dumbass Mitch joins Guvs because we're supposed to believe Guvs is like super-persuasive. If someone killed my brother I would probably take a cigarette (Why not? It's the apocalypse, might as well start smoking) and be all like "Yeah, cool, I'm with you." But then I would stab that SOB in his sleep that night. But is that what Mitch did? No. Because he's a dumbass. (Side note to my brother: I just straight up said I would KILL for you and you still haven't read any of my Walking Dead recaps! Don't make me reconsider!)

So now Guvs has a loyal follower who may be a dumbass but he's also a badass. Basically Shane 2.0.

The camp motto is still "No Dead Weight" but with a better (well, in some ways) leader in charge they actually put it to good use. They secure the perimeter and put in place some other defenses. Of course, a sneaky walker still gets in and almost kills I Panic Once A Day Megan, but Guvs saves the day. Because that's what he does, saves the day and shows people they should follow him if they want to be safe.

In case you thought that maybe he was actually not all that bad (like, if you missed the part about feeding Martinez alive to the walkers or killing Pretty Pete or making a former smoker START SMOKING AGAIN), we get final verification that he's still a Baddy Bad Guy Who's Bad. Guvs is all chilling out by the lake, looking serene, thinking about life and marshmallows, but then we see that he has Pretty Pete anchored to the bottom of the lake, the first resident of Fish Tank 2.0. Noooooo! Not my Pete!

Raise your hand if you think Guvs is going to attack the prison next week. If you're not raising your hand then clearly you weren't paying attenion. See you next week for the mid-season finale!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 6: "Live Bait"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Live Bait", Season 4 Episode 6.

Remember that guy with the eye patch who totally sucked and we wished would just go away and leave our Prisonites alone? Yeah, he's back. But no one is surprised, are they? I mean, Michonne just decided to abandon the search for him, which is TV code for "he's coming back next episode."

That said, the episode certainly could have been worse. For a guy I couldn't wait to see die, I was actually quite interested in the story of what had happened to The Governor since the day he gunned down all his own people in the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums.

He stayed with Martinez and Schumpert for a while (why THEY stayed with HIM, I'll never understand), but then he checked out and almost got killed so they left his sorry ass. Took them long enough!

Then Guvs shambled around on his own for a bit, so metaphorically dead inside that even the zombies didn't bother him. Here's an idea - kill yourself! If you're having such a hard time living with what you've done, then don't live anymore! (Side note: I do not mean this for people in general. There is always a reason to keep living. But not for this mass-murdering bastard.)

Just when it seems all is lost for poor, old, psychotic, serial killer Guvs, he finds hope in the form of a hallucination of his twice-dead daughter Penny. Venturing inside a building to find her, he discovers a real-live girl and her mother, aunt, and grandpa instead.

This family is way nicer to a one-eyed creepy stranger than they should be. I mean, they act all tough at first but then they let him in, feed him, get him cleaned up, and show him to an empty (aren't they all these days?) apartment across the hall. I guess if it was me I would be curious about other survivors and the good in me would want to band together with as many able-bodied people as possible. But this guy just reeks of trouble so they're pretty stupid for letting him in.

The daughter, Megan, doesn't speak. But of course Guvs gets her too. Whatever.

The grandpa, we'll call him Grandpa, is dying of cancer and is on oxygen. The mother, Lily, is conveniently a nurse and they conveniently grabbed a bunch of oxygen tanks before this all went down. Grandpa also conveniently was a truck driver and they have a huge stash of spaghetti-o's and beef jerky. The sister, Tara, says she's a cop but I'm thinking she's more of the mall cop variety.

Lily offers "Brian" (that's Guvs' new name) a plate of spaghetti-o's which made me want to eat a plate of spaghetti-o's and I'm not even in the Zombie Apocalypse! But this bastard just dumped them out the window because he doesn't want to accept help from anyone. Hey! Over here! On my couch! I'll eat them!

Brian eats cat food instead, like a man.

Grandpa asks Brian to go upstairs to the neighbor's house and get his backgammon set. Brian reluctantly helps. He discovers the neighbor tried unsuccessfully to kill himself, so he puts the dude out of his misery before snagging the backgammon set. We learn that the family didn't know you had to get the zombies in the head in order to kill them, showing us just how sheltered these people really are. They've survived this long because of some fortunate circumstances in the beginning and then just holed up ever since. Not actually that bad of a strategy.

Then Grandpa starts running low on oxygen, so it's good Brian showed up when he did! He goes on a mission to a nursing home full of some seriously creepy zombies and makes it out with way fewer tanks than a supposedly badass guy like him should have.

But then Grandpa goes and dies soon after, like the ungrateful plot device that he is. Brian bashes his head in with an oxygen tank and it's seriously brutal. I mean, I know Gramps is dead so it doesn't hurt, and I know we don't want him to reanimate (something else the family didn't know about - that everyone comes back as a zombie), but I think he went a little overboard. Showing us, the viewers, that he can change his name but he's still a bad guy deep down. He kills because he likes to.

Brian decides to part ways with the family he just scarred for life (but at least they have a new backgammon set!) but the family decides to go with him. Why leave the relative safety of the house to go with a one-eyed weirdo? I would stay there until my spaghetti-o's and beef jerky stash ran out, just playing chess and backgammon, letting the rest of the world deal with the apocalypse. Way better than roughing it on the road with a stranger. But I guess that would make for an even more boring episode than the one we got.

So off they go, with Brian taking his new pseudo-family under his wing. Anyone else have a bad feeling about this?

And... I was right. Lily and the Governor get the truck a-rockin', while Tara and Megan sleep right next to them. BARF.

Then the truck breaks down (that must have been some rough nookie) and they take to the road on foot. Now I have a really bad feeling about this.

And... I was right. Tara twists her ankle doing practically nothing (I think she was looking at some birds? When I twisted my ankle it was from drunkenly trying to karate kick a car tire two nights before my wedding for who knows what reason. I win.) and while Lily is helping her, Megan freezes in the middle of the street. I knew I didn't like that girl. Dummy. Then Guvs, idiot, tries to coax her to run to him instead of just running to her and picking her up. She takes FOREVER but finally comes, then they run, then fall into a walker pit. Wait a minute. I thought the walker pits were a thing from Woodbury?

Oh, that explains it. Martinez peeks around the edge (along with his gun) and we're left wondering what will happen. Kill them all, I say! But I guess we'll find out next week!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 5: "Internment"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Internment", Season 4 Episode 5.

Rick turns from exiling Carol and tells Maggie right away. Granted, she asked, but I still have to give him credit. Looks like he learned his lesson about keeping secrets (recall the big "Everyone's already infected" secret) the Ricktator chose to keep to himself.

But that still only leaves Rick and Maggie to shore up the fences. Daryl, Michonne, Bob, and Tyrese are still off at the vet school and the rest of the group is either sick or quarantined. And those damn zombies keep pushing on the fence. Chill, zombies! Rick and Maggie would only be a tiny snack anyway so I'm not sure it's really worth all the effort, and for sure they'd be nothing but bones by the time the zombies at the back of the pack got to them. But I guess zombies aren't really known for their logic and reasoning skills.

Inside the quarantine, Hershel is heroically doing what he can to help each and every person, even the ones we viewers don't really care about. Sasha and Glenn are at death's door but they're heroically helping too. I give them mad props. I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago and it was all I could do to lift the remote control during my home makeover marathon TV-watching session. I'd like to think I'd be helping intubate people and play nurse's assistant but if we're being realistic, I'd be a zombie by now anyway.

My only complaint is that Hershel's Heroes keep leaving the damn cell doors open. Um, guys? I know we want to maintain some semblance of humanity but these people are minutes away from being zombies, meaning everyone else is minutes away from being zombie chow. Close the doors!

But they clearly didn't hear me screaming at the TV. So one dude died and turned and then started wreaking havoc in the cell block. Luckily stupid Lizzie was there to lure him away from everyone, which she did successfully until she tripped and he fell on her and tried to eat her brains. Still think they're just "different"?

Then things get really havoc-y and we have the following sequence of badassery:
- Hershel shoots the zombie, saving Lizzie. Not that we like her but I agree it needed to be done. Though poor Hershel hates killing zombies so this was clearly rough for him. I might have shed a tiny tear for him.
- Maggie hears the shot and is like "That's it bitches, I'm finally going in." She bashes her way in and starts taking out zombies. She has to make a choice between saving Glenn and Hershel and she... saves both! Badass. A few more tears might have dropped during this scene, just because I appreciate Maggie's tough decision.
- Rick takes Carl out of kiddie daycare and asks for his help with the fence. Carl nearly pees his pants with excitement. But the blasted fence finally caved (I'm surprised it took this long) and Rick and Carl go all Rambo on their asses and gun them all down. I even cried in this scene (let's blame the pregnancy hormones) because Rick had wanted to keep Carl away from all of this and he just couldn't. But, hey, at least Carl's a badass and was super useful.

Thankfully, the episode ends on a calm note. They clean up the bodies, the vet school crew returns with the magic medicine and everything can start to go back to normal- oh shit. Nope, nevermind. The Governor is hiding outside the prison, with his one good eye scoping out the joint. Uh-oh.

Next week: The Return of the Governor. I'm not sure if I'm excited or not. It seems we've kind of done everything we could with him and I wish he would just get over his revenge and move on. But since he hasn't, I understand the show needs to tie up the loose ends (that they left loose in the first place). See you then!

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The Walking Dead Recap: Season 4 Episode 4: "Indifference"

I love Paris and I love zombies. If you like at least one, you've come to the right place. Here's this week's recap and review of The Walking Dead, "Indifference", Season 4 Episode 4.

Ranger Rick walks through Karen and David's murders, generously presuming Carol was wearing a bandana even though no one else on this show seems to be fully committed to the quarantine or any sort of disease-prevention measures. Carol delivers a poignant voiceover about being strong and whatnot. Because, you see, it takes strength to kill people for the greater good and then hide it from everybody.

Since Daryl and Michonne and the two other people I'm not sure I like (Tyrese and Bob) haven't returned yet from their trip to the vet college, Rick decides to pack up the car and take Carol on a scavenging trip. He politely takes his time loading up the car so that Carol has time to finish her voiceover. The whole thing reeks to me of "driving the puppies out to the farm" but I'm never right about any speculation so I bet it's nothing.

Meanwhile, Daryl and the Warriors are trying to find a new car to hotwire/fix-up to get to the vet school. Michonne is bad-ass, as usual. Tyrese is suicidal. Then he's not. Then he is. Hey, we already went there with Andrea and Beth. Yawn. You're in or you're out, pal. Mmm-kay? No wavering. Bob is fighting his drinkin' demons and while that's a legitimate demon, again, yawn. Been there with Hershel. At least Daryl is cool as ever. But not because of the smoking. Smoking is bad, kids.

Back on the Carol and Rick show, they raid a house and find two hippies that seem to be more OK with the apocalypse than most. Like, "Yeah, the skin-biters are gnarly but we found each other and we're in love" the dude says about his new girlfriend. They were living in a greenhouse up until recently and were thus able to grow and eat lots of fruits and vegetables in relative safety, explaining how two peaceful people have made it in this crazy world so long. I'd also be willing to bet that there was some major weed growing in that greenhouse. These people are way too chill.

Daryl and the Warriors get their meds, Bob sneaks a bottle of booze, and then the predictable "Oh no! Zombies!" action sequence happens. By predictable I mean we know we're going to have one because it's a zombie show. But I'm not complaining. I love watching our heroes (and Bob and Tyrese) try to get out of new traps each week. But oh snap! Just when they got free, Bob almost died because he wouldn't let go of his Bag of Booze. I wouldn't want to either, but only because I would have at least put medicine in my bag too. Bob didn't because Bob is facing demons. Or he's just a douchebag. Daryl doesn't push him off the ledge like I thought he should, but I guess that's because our group has enough killers.

Segue over to Rick and Carol, who have accepted the hippies into the group (Rick could use a joint or two, I'd say) but the hippies insisted on pulling their own weight so they went out scavenging and everyone agreed to meet back in two hours. Um... something tells me not everyone's making it back.

While scouting the houses, putting useful items in their bags (Bob, are you watching? It's not that hard.) Carol tries to defend herself to Rick. He snarks, "At least I didn't murder two people."

She quips right back, "No, you just murdered one." Damn, Rick! You gonna let her get away with that? I mean, she has a point but still. Much as I liked Shane, dude had to go. It's a bit more of a gray area with Carol risking infection by stabbing and dragging two bodies around the prison. Especially behind the council's back. At least the council didn't exist when Rick did his murderin' behind backs.

But to answer my question, no, Rick didn't let her get away with it. He straight up banished her, apocalypse-style. See, he really was driving the puppies to the farm! For once I was right! Assuming puppies drive Ford Taurus station wagons loaded with supplies and murderers.

So that's a wrap for this week. Carol's gone (for now), Rick is wearing his leader pants (for now), and Daryl hasn't killed Bob (for now).

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